I do my best to avoid writing posts like this. Its just one of those difficult times in life. Probably one of the most difficult for me. We all have our fears. Some fear spiders, clowns, heights, or garlic (sad but true) just to name a few. My one fear is quite different and it may seem odd to most. My fear is the fear of not being able to make it on my own.
Its a struggle more than a fear, but it is something I have been afraid of ever since I came home from my travels in March of 2014. I don’t know why it is so difficult. I’m likable my most. I am skilled in and outside of film/photography. I have a good resume with a wide variety of experiences showing my versatility, my demo reel is pretty ok, and apparently some of my photography is excellent. I have been told by several companies that I am very well qualified for whatever position I happened to be applying and interviewing for. It just so happens that others have more competitive qualifications. I was given one opportunity and things just didn’t pan out. My personality didn’t mesh well with the company (meaning they didn’t like me).
So now I am back battling depression, my old nemesis, and now very discouraged from looking for another job. It was hard enough to get one that lasted a week and a half. One friend describes my depression as the thorn in my side, in reference to what the Apostle Paul said in 2 Corinthians. I guess in a way that is true. I have dealt with it for a good deal of my young adult and adult life. Its not clinical, it is entirely situational. Its the struggles and failures to get my life to where I want it to be. I have been angry at God more than once about this and I will probably be angry at Him again. Its ok. He can take it. But no matter what, I have been given orders and i will follow them:
Stay in Columbia, SC. Be at Midtown Fellowship. Await further instructions.
Its the last part that is the hardest. I get so restless. Truth be told, better restless than depressed. But if that restlessness has no outlet, especially a creative one, then i start to get angry (especially at God).
So right now I am trying find good outlets for my restlessness. I am trying to bike more, which the past couple of days I have not done the best at. I’ve been trying to find some good local hiking trails which also just gets me out of the neighborhood I live in. I am trying to find some new art for my walls. I have 3 frames I reclaimed and repainted from Goodwill. I need to attempt to to clean the glass and get some new matting/backing for it. There are also several recipes I need to experiment with since i do enjoy cooking (and apparently good at it). I will be posting about that when i do that. And you know me, there will be a lot of pictures to go with it.
And then there is my upcoming trip to Montreal where i am filming a wedding for a friend from my time in Brussels. I am very excited about this. I have a rented GH4 coming from borrowed lenses for it and have also been testing out some of my other camera gear to get re-familiarized with it. A friend in Germany requested some photos of where i currently live, and i figured why not film a little something. I need to get that finished this next week. My room is in a perpetual state of messiness, so I need to get that cleaned long enough to get some shots.
Other than that I have been volunteering for soundboard operator at Midtown Fellowship whenever they schedule me, hanging out with some friends on mondays, hopefully making hanging out on tuesdays with another friend a regular thing, and I have lifegroup on Wednesdays. I just need something semi-social the rest of the week. Thankfully, next week will have a bit going on. The week after is when i go to Montreal for a couple of days.
As stated at the beginning, I don’t like writing posts like this. I’d rather be posting artsy stuff I am doing, but I am feeling a bit isolated at the moment making that a bit difficult during this time. However, I am doing everything I can to not make this a “woe is me” post looking for attention. I’m not really looking for attention like most would with a post like this. Thats not going to make much of a difference in this situation. I know when this whole situation is done and over with that Romans 5:3-5 will hold true. I need to believe that this will all pass.
I seriously want to do a portrait series like this photo. Its challenging and looks oh so good.